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4:01 AM
131 days without muddy.
This year has been a rough one for me.
First my mum's money issue which burst my bank.
Next Muddy left for SEP.
Soon Muddy got lost in Europe and never returned.
Wei Ting hurt me. Betrayed me. Cheated on me.
Did badly for A's
Went to Europe. Broke up.
Was with the person who hurt me the most.
She continued to lie to me.
Trying to be nice to me when in fact she is writting something else about me to someone.
Dad lost his job.
Went back to Singapore.
Pretend that everything is ok when it is not.
Waited for her return.
Thought that things were getting better.
However upon her return.
She changed to what she was again.
Listening to things that her friends said about relationships.
She started to keep a distance from me again.
Now I guessed she is confused as to whether to accept another guy or not
She may deny it, but it is just another lie to me.
She is just leading the guy on.
I hate her.
She changed Muddy.
Love will never be the same for me anymore.
My 21 years has never been harsher.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Day 127 without Muddy
Today, her status was " very :) " but the person she was referring was not me. I knew it wasnt me because I am nothing to her in her life now. Muddy is lost. Maybe forever.
I was browsing through the net when I decided to go onto friendster. When I logged onto it, the first thing I clicked on was the inbox. It was over there where the relationship spark off. It brought tears to my eyes. The bitter sweet feeling was too overwhelming for me. I wept and I cried. The testimonials we wrote were so childish yet sweet and loving. I really hope that there is a rewind button for me to go back to time. I promise that I will be a better man. But there is no such thing in the world. The testimonials really brought memories back. As I clicked onto her profile, her status is still in a relationship. For that moment I was happy, but I realised that friendster has been obselete and no one gives a damn about it.
I read through everything that was written between us. All the empty promises, were broken. It was her who abandon me. I cried harder. I promise her that I will not do that to her, I promise to forgive her for whatever hurt she might have inflicted on me and I kept that. Purely because of love. She told me she love me for who I am, no matter what flaws I had but yet that is the reason why we broke up. All I can say that nothing is stationary. Change is the only constant now. We have to learn to adapt to it. However why cant I change my love for her. It is so painful. I still love her. why? Despite all the angst I had, my love for her do not change. I am a fool in love.
Our relationship draws analogy to friendster, all the memories buried, not to be found, floating somewhere in the cyber space. The only place where I can find my muddy there.
Friendster is out, and Facebook is in.
However I will always keep the promises I made there. Not because I am commited to do so but because I love you, Wong Wei Ting.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
125 days since I lost muddy.
I felt a sharp pain in my heart today. Suddenly I felt like crying on the car. It is my parents' birthday today. They were wondering why she isnt here. I told them she had school and she felt shy to come. My mum's reply was " Why will she feel that way? It is not as if we are not close." At that instance, my heart bled. My family did not noe that the girl they saw a few days ago was not the same girl anymore. She no longer calls me daisy, no longer hug me. She is just a friend of mine. Just like anyone out there.
I started to think about the events that happen earlier this year. Why do things turn out this way. I start to blame myself for not being the man she wanted. For being so imperfect. On the surface, it seems like she was the one who destroy this whole relationship. Underneath all, its me. I am the one who cant fulfil her.
Now she yearn for freedom. Something she will not get if she is with me. She always tell me to give her more time. I always lament, but who am I to do that. I am just not good enough..
I think I have changed alot as well. However I am still not good enough for her. The only thing good about me is my love for her. No matter how many times I say that I wanna leave her, cut her off, I will still return to her. I guess this is love.
I miss you muddy.
10:35 AM
Everyday, we wear a mask out. A mask of false pretence. A mask of deceit. A mask with hidden agenda.
I am tired, worn out by this. Interpersonal relationship has now become a chore. I wanna be rid of this. I wanna be a hermit. I do not want to please anyone or everyone. I am not a clown. I cant be jesting all the time. I hate my life. In my bid to bring smiles to everyone, I am seen as a clown. Someone who cant be serious, childish, immature and who cant be relied on for life.
I just want to be myself. I just wanna be quiet and get on with life. It does not pay to be kind or nice. No one gives a damn. Everyone is selfish. And I should be one. Commitments and promises in relationships are over-rated because everyone just think for themselves. Just themselves. I am a fool in the past to believe that it is not. But not now. I've seen and experienced it. I guess I will have phobia for marriage now unless some one proves me wrong.
I am not trying to frame myself up as being noble. But I think I have sacrify too much in my life to be ended up in this demise. I wanna be selfish. I just wanna think about myself now since those I cared for are all doing the same thing as well. I see things more clearly now. There is no point to be fighting against the flow of social norms. I shall be myself and rot with the world. I will revolve my life around Me, Myself and I. I know this is a aestic mindset but I do not want to be hurt, at least for now.
My only love now is LSE.
I want my sweet escape to London.
10:45 AM
She finally talked to me :)
I am so happy!
I am over the moon!
Whee! =D
9:07 PM
I had never felt this way before. My heart bleeds everyday. I need to fill up the void each day. I am not used to loving from a distance. A one sided love which is not receptive. I can only look at her from a distance. Her blog is the only way I could know what is happening. I can only seek my solace in that. I miss her, yet she is ignoring me. I tried not to disturb and pester her everyday to talk to me. I hope she will talk to me one day, after she has cool down. Like a meaningful conversation.
I love her.
11:27 AM
Jesus, Beautiful Saviour,
God of all Majesty,
Risen king,
Lamb of God,
Holy and righteous,
Blessed redeemer,
Bright morning star
All the heavens shout your praise,
All creation bow to worship You
How wonderful, how beautiful,
Name above every name, exalted high
How wonderful, how beautiful,
Jesus your name, name above every name, Jesus
I will sing forever, Jesus I love you, Jesus I love you.
8:42 AM
It was one fine day in 2005.
I am meeting this friend whom I had lost contact for since Secondary 1.
I have not met her before.
However we seems to be able to click well.
It was at the bus stop outside Far East Plaza that we met.
She was late. The first of many. :)
I still remember how she walked towards me at the bus stop.
She was wearing this white sneakers and a haversack.
She is pretty. Stunning. She hooked my heart with her pretty eyes.
I guess this is love at first sight.
We were on a movie date.
After meeting, we took a bus to Plaza Sing.
We were chatting all the time.
No awkwardness.
I really love her smile and cheerfulness.
She is just so real.
After which we went to buy our tickets.
We watched the show: Worlds at War.
As we had some time left.
We went to KFC and had a meal together.
I was not that hungry, so we shared a meal.
Something which she haunt me till today, for being a stingy poor boy.
We proceeded for the show.
Watched it. Cannot remember what happen in the theatre.
The only thing I remembered was losing my black water bottle.
I still remembered tell her that I got a feeling of losing something.
It is very unlike me to lose my stuffs.
I guess she swept me off my feet.
After that I sent her home.
It was fun. Sweet. Unforgettable.
I love her.
But she do not.
I really hope she talks to me soon. :(
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Channel 5 is showing the making of Worlds at War. :(
I really want the time to go back.
To rectify the wrong I did.
To be a better person
To study hard.
I really hate who am I now.
I am simply a piece of thrash.
How I wish I can be send into exile.
I miss her badly. :(
7:16 AM
Have you imagine how will you feel if you are send into exile?
Recently I heard this chinese song which really deplicts the feeling of a man into exile.
But I guess the hidden meaning behind this song is about a break up.
离人
银色小船摇摇晃晃弯弯悬在绒绒的天上
你的心事三三俩俩蓝蓝停在我幽幽心上
你说情到深处人怎能不孤独爱到浓时就牵肠挂肚
我的行李孤孤单单散散惹惆怅
离人放逐到边界彷佛走入第五个季节
昼夜乱了和谐涨泛任性涨退字典里没春天
离人挥霍着眼泪回避还在眼前的离别
你不敢想明天我不肯说再见
有人说一次告别天上就会有颗星又熄灭
9:41 AM
Today is an uneventful day.
Yinwen woke me up. But actually I woke up 1 hour before her due to the bad weather and by some random stinky durian smell that was diffused into my room.
Rotted the whole day at Grandma's place.
Played L4D with Aaron, Joel and Guan You.
Was rather drained after 1 hour and we decided to leave.
Aaron was attacked by Z Monster towards the end of the game. Lol.
Joel sent us home.
That's all.
9:05 PM
I would like to thanks a few friends who stay by me whenever I am down. Though you all might not know what really had happened. But you guys just keep on encouraging me.
Yurong,
Guan You,
Yinwen,
Alycia,
Thanks alot. I love you guys :)
10:29 AM
Pain; can come in the form of mental, can come in the form of physically.
Pain lets you know that you are alive.
Pain force you to grow up.
Different people have different threshold to it. I guess I have rather high threshold to it. Especially mentally.
However what had happened lately really proved me wrong.
To love some one who loves somebody else -Its painful yet I still forgive and love her.
To love some one who hurts me so much- Its double dosage yet I still will forgive her.
To love some one who I have forgiven and yet still hurt me - I guess I am not that strong anymore.
I think I am going down. Sinking to the endless depth of abyss.
Pessimtism is my best friend.
Nothing I see seems to be good.
I am getting cynical to everything; disillusion to love.
I hate to say this but I am really afraid to fall in love again.
I have yet to pick myself up from this fall.
Sometimes I really wish that this is a nightmare.
However the pain just let me know that this is the reality.
Face it!
I am fighting a losing war with this pain.
I am pretending to be happy.
I try to make everyone happy.
However behind the mask, I am not.
I try to tell God to take all the pain away from me everyday.
It doesnt work.
I do not do any terrible stuffs during my 21years.
I might be sarcastic to people at times
But I do not think that I deserve all this.
What bad have I done?
No doubt this process makes me grow.
However it let me know more about human nature.
Never let anyone into your heart.
For it is where everything is so vulnerable.
One can just hurt it easily.
I've learnt my lesson.
But the person is still in my heart.
I am afraid it is hard for the next person to walk into it.
She told me she will not talk to me every again.
Labelling me as mean.
But what did i do?
All I wanted is her being more polite.
Am I asking for too much?
Maybe I am just that irritating to her.
Maybe its just me after all.
If someone else said that to her she would have accepted it.
How do I become mean overnight?
Maybe its just her excuse to get rid of me.
She might have given me all this pain.
But I still love her.
I have fallen.
I cant maintain the happiness in me anymore.
I am not strong anymore.
I have succumbed to pain.
I am sinking deep into the abyss of pain.
